You're Not Alone

Many adults end up caring for parents who hurt them. Research shows that about 1 in 4 family caregivers experienced abuse or neglect from the parent they're now helping (Kong et al., 2021). Despite the pain of the past, many people stay connected to their parents throughout life (Kong et al., 2022).

But here's what the research also shows: Caregivers who take care of abusive parents struggle much more with depression and stress than other caregivers (Kong et al., 2021). This isn't regular caregiver stress—it's different and harder.

Why This Is So Hard

It Can Bring Back Old Trauma

Taking care of a parent who hurt you means:

• Spending time with someone who abused you

• Sometimes helping with personal tasks like bathing or dressing

• Feeling like you have no choice, just like when you were a child (Kong et al., 2021)

This can make you feel traumatized all over again (Kong et al., 2021).

Your Childhood Still Affects You

Growing up with abuse changes how you see yourself. Many people who were abused as children:

• Have trouble trusting themselves (Harman et al., 2022)

• Feel like they never really had a childhood (Harman et al., 2022)

• Struggle with low self-esteem (Kong et al., 2022)

• Have a hard time in relationships (Simonič & Osewska, 2023)

As an adult, you might feel stuck between the scared child you were and the grown-up everyone expects you to be now (Simonič & Osewska, 2023).

The Stress Keeps Building

When you experienced abuse as a child, your body and mind learned to react strongly to stress. This doesn't go away (Kong et al., 2022). When you take on caregiving, the stress doesn't just add up—it multiplies (Kong et al., 2022). Every caregiving task can trigger old memories and feelings.

The Most Important Thing: You Have a Choice

You do NOT have to take care of a parent who abused you (Kong et al., 2021).

Let that sink in. Many people feel like they have to do it because:

• Family or culture says you should

• You feel guilty

• There's no one else

• You don't have money for other options

But here's the truth: When parents abuse their children, they break the basic family agreement. You don't owe them caregiving (Kong et al., 2021).

Choosing to protect yourself is not selfish. It's healthy (Kong et al., 2021).

Deciding Whether to Provide Care

If You Decide NOT to Be a Caregiver

This is a valid choice. You can:

• Help find other care options for your parent

• Provide support in ways that feel safe (like managing bills from a distance)

• Step away completely

A good therapist or social worker will respect your decision and help you deal with any guilt or complicated feelings (Kong et al., 2021).

If you choose to help, protect yourself by:

Set Very Clear Boundaries

Decide what you will and won't do (Kong et al., 2021). For example:

• "I'll help with doctor's appointments but not with bathing"

• "I'll visit once a week but not stay overnight"

• "I'll manage finances but not provide hands-on care"

You can change your mind at any time (Kong et al., 2021). This isn't a lifetime promise.

Get Outside Support

Don't do this alone. You need (Kong et al., 2021):

• A therapist who understands trauma

• Support groups for abuse survivors

• Friends who get what you're going through

• Breaks from caregiving

If You Decide to Provide Some Care

Watch for Warning Signs

Stop or step back if you notice

• Drinking or using drugs more

• Feeling depressed or anxious all the time

• Having flashbacks or nightmares

• Thinking about hurting yourself

• Getting sick a lot

• Losing other relationships (Simonič & Osewska, 2023)

These signs mean caregiving is hurting you too much.

Taking Care of Yourself

Basic Self-Care

Make these non-negotiable (Kong et al., 2021):

• Sleep enough

• Eat regular meals

• Exercise or move your body

• Do things you enjoy

• Practice deep breathing or meditation

• See your own doctor regularly

Build Yourself Up

Work on:

• Recognizing your worth: You deserved better as a child. You deserve better now (Simonič & Osewska, 2023)

• Learning it wasn't your fault: Children are never to blame for abuse (Simonič & Osewska, 2023)

• Setting boundaries: Saying "no" is healthy, not mean (Kong et al., 2021)

• Trusting yourself: Your feelings and memories are real (Harman et al., 2022)

Find Support

Look for:

• Therapists who specialize in childhood trauma

• Support groups (in-person or online)

• Hotlines you can call when struggling

• Books or websites about healing from abuse

Research shows that people with strong support systems handle caregiving stress much better (Kong et al., 2021).

Remember: You can always change your decision (Kong et al., 2021).

Your Rights

You have the right to:

• Say no to caregiving

• Change your mind

• Set boundaries

• Protect your mental health

• Get support

• Feel however you feel

• Put yourself first (Kong et al., 2021)

Bottom Line

You already survived your childhood. You don't have to sacrifice your adulthood too.

The three most important things to remember:

1. You have a choice - You're not required to care for someone who hurt you (Kong et al., 2021)

2. Your feelings are valid - Whatever you feel is okay (Kong et al., 2021)

3. You deserve support - Don't try to handle this alone (Kong et al., 2021)

Whether you decide to provide care, provide limited care, or step away completely, make the choice that protects your well-being.

You matter. Your mental health matters. Your life matters.

Getting help from a trauma-informed therapist can make a huge difference. They can help you figure out what's right for you and support you through whatever you decide.

You've already been through so much. Now it's time to take care of yourself.

Where to Get Help

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

• SAMHSA National Helpline (mental health/substance abuse): 1-800-662-4357

• Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741

• National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI): 1-800-950-6264

What About When They're Dying?

Grief Is Complicated

When an abusive parent is dying or dies, you might feel:

• Relief

• Sadness

• Anger

• Guilt

• Nothing at all

• All of these at once

All of these feelings are normal (Kong et al., 2021). You're grieving not just the person, but also:

• The parent you wish you'd had

• The childhood you deserved

• Any hope that things would get better

• The loss of what could have been (Kong et al., 2021)

People Might Not Understand

Others may expect you to be more upset than you are. They might not understand your complicated feelings (Kong et al., 2021). This can make you feel alone in your grief. Find people who get it—maybe a therapist or support group.

There's No "Right" Way to Feel

You don't have to:

• Forgive your parent

• Feel sad at their death

• Say goodbye if you don't want to

• Pretend the relationship was good

• Meet anyone else's expectations (Kong et al., 2021)

Can You Heal?

Yes. Healing is possible, but it takes work (Simonič & Osewska, 2023).

What Healing Looks Like

• Understanding that the abuse wasn't your fault (Simonič & Osewska, 2023)

• Building self-esteem you didn't get as a child (Kong et al., 2022)

• Having healthier relationships now (Simonič & Osewska, 2023)

• Learning to trust your own feelings (Harman et al., 2022)

• Creating the life you want

Post-Traumatic Growth

Some people find that working through their trauma makes them stronger. They report (Kong et al., 2021):

• Appreciating life more

• Having deeper relationships

• Feeling more confident

• Finding spiritual or personal meaning

This doesn't mean the abuse was okay. It means you can grow despite what happened to you.

Getting the Right Help

Look for Trauma-Informed Care

Good therapists or doctors will (Kong et al., 2021):

• Respect your choices about caregiving

• Not judge you for saying no

• Understand that your past affects you now

• Help you set boundaries

• Validate your feelings

Red Flags

Be careful of helpers who:

• Tell you that you "have to" care for your parent

• Don't take your trauma seriously

• Push you to forgive or reconcile

• Make you feel guilty for protecting yourself

Quick Decision Guide

Consider saying NO to caregiving if:

• You're still working through trauma

• Being around your parent triggers you

• You have mental health struggles

• You lack support

• You don't feel safe

• Your gut says no

You might be able to provide LIMITED care if:

• You have strong boundaries

• You're in therapy

• You have good support

• You can say no to certain tasks

• You're doing it by choice, not obligation

• You can step back anytime

References

Harman, J. J., Matthewson, M. L., & Baker, A. J. L. (2022). Losses experienced by children alienated from a parent. Current Opinion in Psychology, 43, 7-12.

Kong, J., Goldberg, J., & Moorman, S. (2022). Childhood abuse and adult relationships with perpetrating parents: Impacts on depressive symptoms of caregivers of aging parents. Aging & Mental Health, 26(8), 1541-1550.

Kong, J., Kunze, A., Goldberg, J., & Schroepfer, T. (2021). Caregiving for parents who harmed you: A conceptual review. Clinical Gerontologist, 44(5), 507-519.

Simonič, B., & Osewska, E. (2023). Emotional experience and consequences of growing up in a family with alcoholism in adult children of alcoholics. The Person and the Challenges, 13(1), 63-81.